Eurassic Park
  Political Dinosaurs
of the Eurassic Period

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Hughes                   (
Ancram                   (
R Prodi           (
Fundus Divertius)  
G Brown        (Rectumus Fixaticus)
Thatcher      (Nannyus Dominatrus)
Hesletine (
Arborealitus Tarzanicus)
Straw             (
Maximus Deviosus)
Clarke             (Jowelous Gutticus)
Irving              (Legalus Gloriosus)
Hague          (Gwillemus Minorum)
Mandelson        (Lougus Lizardarius)
Prescott         (Jowelus Giganticus)
Cook                     (Dypsodickicus)
Major            (Outovitz Depthicus)
N Brown            (Poofterussorass)
Blair                (Legalus Traitorus)




It could be argued that EUrosaurus is more aptly named than we originally
thought, though it should be spelt EUroSoreArse as a result of at times
having all 15 of its heads up its aurus!

Due to its ponderous gait and constant lashing out as the tail wags the
beast it quite obviously leaves a trail of destruction in its wake. It is a
particularly diseased beast, as it spreads disease amongst animals and
destroys agricultural land with its endless trail of 'BUMF' (an acronym for BUM Fodder) which is frequently very inflammatory. When ever it discovers fish in small or large pockets it wallows around eating them to the point of sickness and pollutes the water with the 'BUMF' it spews forth.

The fastest way to discover EUroSoreArse is to follow the trail of 'BUMF'
and to look out for the huge number of poisonous,  blood sucking parasites
that both gather around it and trail behind it, destroying all in their path,
eventually draining the life blood out of anything healthy.

EUroSoreArse captures most of its prey by letting its parasites feed on the
intended victim in huge numbers until it is weakened, it then spawns
hundreds and thousands of bright blue traps with circles of brightly
coloured star like bait. The weak and the feeble who have become debilitated
soon fall for this alluring bait only to realise once swallowed it chokes



 Your questions answered

Question:   Monsters are reputed to have been quite agile, in their time,
but rather dim.

Answer   Yes we thought about this one.  For instance we noticed that
dinosaurs only had two brains which is obviously too few.  From the start
EUrosaurus was fitted with 6 brains, the latest version has 1.5 decabrains
brains and we have plans to increase brain power to 2.7 decabrains,
regardless of the consequences.

You need not worry the EUrosaurus is indeed very brainy, it has a huge
amount of brains, unfortunately it rather lacks intelligence.

Question   The EUrosaurus has stopped walking and is sinking into the mire.

Answer  The original heart fitted was designed for a 6 brained animal and is
overworked in the 1.5 decabrain animal.  We have been pumping more oxygen
into the heart, but I am afraid this is a case of too little too late.  No
expense has been spared employing a good family firm, the Kinnocks, who have extensive experience with rotten hearts, to design a new one.  He, his wife, children and extended family are all working hard and assure us that they
are making very good progress.

Lots and lots of oxygen will be needed.

Question   But I can not understand a thing the monster is saying?

Answer    This is a failing of yours not the EUrosaurus.  You seem to have
forgotten that the EUrosaurus has fifteen brains and can speak fifteen
languages simultaneously.  Until you learn fifteen languages you can not
hope to have a meaningful conversation with the EUrosaurus. Until you have
caught up you will never understand the garbled out pourings of EUrosaurus
which defy all forms of intelligence.

I could advise you to learn fifteen languages, but remember that the
EUrosaurus is a much brainier than you and can learn new languages faster
than you, even if it can not understand the sense of any meaning or identity
of any languages at all. Quite probably by the time you have learnt two new
languages the EUrosaurus will probably be speaking 27 languages.

You must learn your place and accept that the EUrosaurus is much brainier
than you will ever be.  Once you have understood this you will find it
easier to refrain from trying to be involved with the decisions that the
EUrosaurus needs to make on your behalf. Only a few of the larger parasites
feeding off of the EUrosaurus can possibly understand it and even then they
have to be constantly in the translation & transcription area known as The
Tower of Babel in Brussels, or The Castle of Lies in Strasburg.

Question  It seems to crush things

Answer   Ho Ho you are contradicting yourselves again. As you pointed out
yourselves the  EUrosaurus stopped walking because of its rotten heart
condition and is sinking in mire and stagnation. So when it stopped walking
it stopped crushing even if the stagnation and putrefaction of its own
behemothic size is still poisoning everything it touches.

Anyway we are working on this problem, that is why we are giving it the keys
to the gun cupboard.  In future the EUrosaurus will shoot, bomb or blow up

Question   But does it care about us at all?

Answer   Of course it cares about you.  With out you how would it be able to
feed itself and where would it's oxygen come from?  Rest assured it depends
on you and loves you with all it's rotten heart. You are essential fodder to
EUrosaurus and without the constant supply of your money it will run out of


 - An exclusive interview with the rotten heart's surgeon

Interviewer; The EUrosaurus is sinking into the mire, it seems terminal, is
there really much that you can do at such a late stage to arrest the
deterioration ?

Kinnock; Oh there is nothing much wrong with the old EUrosaurus, it's been a
great success until the Cresson slipped a cog, this gave the beast poisonous
bad breath.  I have been hired as part of the "New EUrosaurus" project to
change the rose water and appearance to get the rotten heart working more
powerfully. The rotten heart will control twelve more brains and have breath
that smells of roses you know.

It's a big project you know and I'm leader of the team, that is why I have
to employ my wife, children, family and friends.

Interviewer;  But why does the rotten heart have to control the brains,
usually the brains are there to control the heart!  Surely the heart should
be supplying the brains with oxygen so that they can control the EUrosaurus'
legs and get it walking again?

Kinnock;  Well that's a terribly old fashioned view.  This is the New
EUrosaurus project, we don't go much with old ideas if you know what I mean.
In the New EUrosaurus project the brains provide the oxygen.  At this stage
we are not much worried about whether the legs work and we don't even care
if the EUrosaurus even works as long as it can still siphon up huge amounts
of money for oxygen.

Interviewer:  Isn't that the wrong way round, usually brains get oxygen from
the heart and the heart gets it's orders from the brains?

Kinnock:  NO, NO, NO  New EUrosaurus's works on New principles and rose

Interviewer; But are you sure the "New Principle" will work, normally
EUrosaurus has no principles at all?

Kinnock;  It's not a prototype you know, I've done plenty of this sort of
work before.  I've got it all worked out and even if I don't know what I'm
doing it doesn't matter because my wife is a school teacher so she knows

After a pause Kinnock went on to add:

I didn't much want to at first, but in the end I had to replace the Cresson
because we couldn't find any rose water that was strong enough to mask the
stench of corruption.  Any way all sorts of special bits are coming up
available soon, as they become rejects in their own regions, Tony Blairs,
Robin Cooks - those sorts of bits. EUrosaurus has always been built with
rejects from other places and it is in some ways a miracle that it still
survives considering how many rejects it has consumed. From past experience
I know this will make the rotten heart very frisky.  Last time I did this
operation the heat generated was so ginormous I had to scarper for my life
to a new rotten heart, taking my whole family with me.  That's how I got to
come here actually.

Interviewer:  Was the prototype called New Labour by any chance.

Kinnock;  Yes, you obviously know about New Labour?.

Interviewer:   I do,  "New Labour" was only frisky for a very short while,
then all its brains started working against one another and the creature
seized up and collapsed, its primeval brain gained too much hold and it
started increasingly to think with the wrong part of its anatomy and use the
wrong orifice to speak with.  Just like old Eurosaurus it's rose water got
polluted and its got awful bad breath.    It's brains, er rotten heart err secondary brains, well you know what I mean, the Tony Blair bit has run out of oxygen and had to rely on spin to gather more oxygen at huge cost to everything around it?

Kinnock  Yes the Tony Blair got too big and much too muddled for New
Labour's rotten heart and there was some bad luck when some Eccleston, some
Robinson and large amounts of bad policy got into the rose water then it ran
into a terrible fuel crisis. But when it was New and for a while, when it
had fresh rose water and lots of oxygen it worked really well.  Crushed,
destroyed and rampaged all over the place, it was really impressive.

Interviewer:  Your right of-course, but the New Labour creature has since
collapsed and is hardly breathing, which is a Godsend since no-one can stand
the smell of it's breath these days.  I do not quite understand your job, are
you putting the rotten heart right?

Kinnock:  Very simple really.  The Tony Blair has got too big and smelly for
it's present home.  It needs the bigger rotten heart and the stronger rose
water we are developing in Europe, otherwise it will not survive.

Interviewer   Is that your brief, making a bigger rotten heart for the Tony
Blair bit?

Kinnock  Yes, the Tony Blair bit is my baby and the pension policy for my
whole family.