It could be argued that EUrosaurus is more aptly named
than we originally
thought, though it should be spelt EUroSoreArse as a
result of at times
having all 15 of its heads up its aurus!
Due to its ponderous gait and constant lashing out as the
tail wags the
beast it quite obviously leaves a trail of destruction in
its wake. It is a
particularly diseased beast, as it spreads disease amongst
destroys agricultural land with its endless trail of 'BUMF'
(an acronym for BUM Fodder) which is frequently very
inflammatory. When ever it discovers fish in small or
large pockets it wallows around eating them to the point
of sickness and pollutes the water with the 'BUMF' it
The fastest way to discover EUroSoreArse is to follow the
trail of 'BUMF'
and to look out for the huge number of poisonous,
blood sucking parasites
that both gather around it and trail behind it, destroying
all in their path,
eventually draining the life blood out of anything
EUroSoreArse captures most of its prey by letting its
parasites feed on the
intended victim in huge numbers until it is weakened, it
hundreds and thousands of bright blue traps with circles
coloured star like bait. The weak and the feeble who have
soon fall for this alluring bait only to realise once
swallowed it chokes
BUILDING A MODERN MONSTER STATE
Your questions answered
Question: Monsters are reputed to have been
quite agile, in their time,
but rather dim.
Answer Yes we thought about this one.
For instance we noticed that
dinosaurs only had two brains which is obviously too few.
From the start
EUrosaurus was fitted with 6 brains, the latest version
has 1.5 decabrains
brains and we have plans to increase brain power to 2.7
regardless of the consequences.
You need not worry the EUrosaurus is indeed very brainy,
it has a huge
amount of brains, unfortunately it rather lacks
Question The EUrosaurus has stopped walking
and is sinking into the mire.
Answer The original heart fitted was designed for a
6 brained animal and is
overworked in the 1.5 decabrain animal. We have been
pumping more oxygen
into the heart, but I am afraid this is a case of too
little too late. No
expense has been spared employing a good family firm, the
Kinnocks, who have extensive experience with rotten
hearts, to design a new one. He, his wife, children
and extended family are all working hard and assure us
are making very good progress.
Lots and lots of oxygen will be needed.
Question But I can not understand a thing the
monster is saying?
Answer This is a failing of yours not
the EUrosaurus. You seem to have
forgotten that the EUrosaurus has fifteen brains and can
languages simultaneously. Until you learn fifteen
languages you can not
hope to have a meaningful conversation with the EUrosaurus.
Until you have
caught up you will never understand the garbled out
pourings of EUrosaurus
which defy all forms of intelligence.
I could advise you to learn fifteen languages, but
remember that the
EUrosaurus is a much brainier than you and can learn new
than you, even if it can not understand the sense of any
meaning or identity
of any languages at all. Quite probably by the time you
have learnt two new
languages the EUrosaurus will probably be speaking 27
You must learn your place and accept that the EUrosaurus
is much brainier
than you will ever be. Once you have understood this
you will find it
easier to refrain from trying to be involved with the
decisions that the
EUrosaurus needs to make on your behalf. Only a few of the
feeding off of the EUrosaurus can possibly understand it
and even then they
have to be constantly in the translation &
transcription area known as The
Tower of Babel in Brussels, or The Castle of Lies in
Question It seems to crush things
Answer Ho Ho you are contradicting yourselves
again. As you pointed out
yourselves the EUrosaurus stopped walking because of
its rotten heart
condition and is sinking in mire and stagnation. So when
it stopped walking
it stopped crushing even if the stagnation and
putrefaction of its own
behemothic size is still poisoning everything it touches.
Anyway we are working on this problem, that is why we are
giving it the keys
to the gun cupboard. In future the EUrosaurus will
shoot, bomb or blow up
Question But does it care about us at all?
Answer Of course it cares about you.
With out you how would it be able to
feed itself and where would it's oxygen come from?
Rest assured it depends
on you and loves you with all it's rotten heart. You are
essential fodder to
EUrosaurus and without the constant supply of your money
it will run out of
- An exclusive interview with the rotten
Interviewer; The EUrosaurus is sinking into the mire, it
seems terminal, is
there really much that you can do at such a late stage to
Kinnock; Oh there is nothing much wrong with the old
EUrosaurus, it's been a
great success until the Cresson slipped a cog, this gave
the beast poisonous
bad breath. I have been hired as part of the
"New EUrosaurus" project to
change the rose water and appearance to get the rotten
heart working more
powerfully. The rotten heart will control twelve more
brains and have breath
that smells of roses you know.
It's a big project you know and I'm leader of the team,
that is why I have
to employ my wife, children, family and friends.
Interviewer; But why does the rotten heart have to
control the brains,
usually the brains are there to control the heart!
Surely the heart should
be supplying the brains with oxygen so that they can
control the EUrosaurus'
legs and get it walking again?
Kinnock; Well that's a terribly old fashioned view.
This is the New
EUrosaurus project, we don't go much with old ideas if you
know what I mean.
In the New EUrosaurus project the brains provide the
oxygen. At this stage
we are not much worried about whether the legs work and we
don't even care
if the EUrosaurus even works as long as it can still
siphon up huge amounts
of money for oxygen.
Interviewer: Isn't that the wrong way round, usually
brains get oxygen from
the heart and the heart gets it's orders from the brains?
Kinnock: NO, NO, NO New EUrosaurus's works on
New principles and rose
Interviewer; But are you sure the "New
Principle" will work, normally
EUrosaurus has no principles at all?
Kinnock; It's not a prototype you know, I've done
plenty of this sort of
work before. I've got it all worked out and even if
I don't know what I'm
doing it doesn't matter because my wife is a school
teacher so she knows
After a pause Kinnock went on to add:
I didn't much want to at first, but in the end I had to
replace the Cresson
because we couldn't find any rose water that was strong
enough to mask the
stench of corruption. Any way all sorts of special
bits are coming up
available soon, as they become rejects in their own
regions, Tony Blairs,
Robin Cooks - those sorts of bits. EUrosaurus has always
been built with
rejects from other places and it is in some ways a miracle
that it still
survives considering how many rejects it has consumed.
From past experience
I know this will make the rotten heart very frisky.
Last time I did this
operation the heat generated was so ginormous I had to
scarper for my life
to a new rotten heart, taking my whole family with me.
That's how I got to
come here actually.
Interviewer: Was the prototype called New Labour by
Kinnock; Yes, you obviously know about New Labour?.
Interviewer: I do, "New Labour"
was only frisky for a very short while,
then all its brains started working against one another
and the creature
seized up and collapsed, its primeval brain gained too
much hold and it
started increasingly to think with the wrong part of its
anatomy and use the
wrong orifice to speak with. Just like old
Eurosaurus it's rose water got
polluted and its got awful bad breath.
It's brains, er rotten heart err secondary brains, well
you know what I mean, the Tony Blair bit has run out of
oxygen and had to rely on spin to gather more oxygen at
huge cost to everything around it?
Kinnock Yes the Tony Blair got too big and much too
muddled for New
Labour's rotten heart and there was some bad luck when
some Eccleston, some
Robinson and large amounts of bad policy got into the rose
water then it ran
into a terrible fuel crisis. But when it was New and for a
while, when it
had fresh rose water and lots of oxygen it worked really
destroyed and rampaged all over the place, it was really
Interviewer: Your right of-course, but the New
Labour creature has since
collapsed and is hardly breathing, which is a Godsend
since no-one can stand
the smell of it's breath these days. I do not quite
understand your job, are
you putting the rotten heart right?
Kinnock: Very simple really. The Tony Blair
has got too big and smelly for
it's present home. It needs the bigger rotten heart
and the stronger rose
water we are developing in Europe, otherwise it will not
Interviewer Is that your brief, making a
bigger rotten heart for the Tony
Kinnock Yes, the Tony Blair bit is my baby and the
pension policy for my